What is consent? (for men who think they know)

Content notes: consent, sex, sexual violence, abusive behaviour

Hello! I would like to give my thoughts on consent and I'll be referring to Russell Brand and toxic behaviour. So this is a discussion about sexual v!olence and some of the reasons why I think it happens. I refer to some lived experiences (anonymously!) potentially helpful examples. If you're someone who is interested in finding out more about consent and/or if you are concerned by the issues this might be of interest.

Firstly, my solidarity to everyone who's been affected by sexual violence as its impact can have a severe and lasting effect. Please seek support, either by reaching out and talking to someone, calling a helpline or doing someone you usually do that you might find helpful. I aim to share an audio version online for access. Please only read if you're able to and practise self care.

I've read one story about RB and that's enough. I'm not interested in RB. I care about my survivor friends and everyone who is affected by these issues. I care about trying to prevent similiar behaviour. But I've thought about that one story a lot. If he's being honest, then RB actually does not understand what consent is and this is a huge problem.

RB says, "I was very, very promiscuous." “the relationships I had were absolutely always consensual. I think that it's very disturbing that RB is so convinced that every interaction he had was consensual. It sounds to me as though he's merely talking about himself. There are lots of emotions around sex and unless someone has made it very clear that they are enthusiastic, then the chances are, they are not.

How does one know if sex is consenting? We didn't learn about it at school (along with many other vital related issues). One way is to directly ask, "Do you want to have sex with me?" It seems a bit blunt. The first time someone asked me that I was surprised and actually that person was not English. So maybe it's something to do with English culture.

Secondly, during any intimate activity, one can not just rely on check in with the person and ask, "Are you ok with this?" and "Are you ok?" Again, men partners have asked me this and I have to say, at the time, I didn't think they needed to but that's because I was feeling enthusiastic!

Not an ideal situation but in the heat of the moment, it's very possible for awareness to be lost and it's only afterwards that one can check in and establish with someone else whether they were ok, how did they feel about it. That's why even if something is a one-off, it's better to check in. Sexual violence is a spectrum, and how someone behaves is also part of that violence. Refusing to use contraception, demanding people use the morning after instead, are examples of coercive behaviour (and also increase the chances of transmitting diseases). Or even just being pushy. A crucial part of it is when someone denies that they were pushy. This is the thing, it might have felt like the other person was into it, because one wasn't paying attention, or didn't ask, didn't listen and blatantly ignored the other person.

A lot of feelings and questions can arise.. One of which might be, "Was I good enough?" "Was I bad at this?" etc. anxiety about the resulting hurt can hide the question "Did you enjoy it?" And the answer to that could be uncomfortable or depressing but I do believe it's nearly always possible to improve if we really want to, but that involves accepting we are not perfect, we don't know everything and we can listen and learn. Someone might not enjoy it because there wasn't chemistry - some people aren't compatible. Or if they didn't like the activity - if you like them enough and they like you too, you can work it out maybe. Or because you weren't listening to what they wanted, or because they felt pressured in some way.

You might say, well asking about consent afterwards, it's too late. Sometimes it is. Sometimes it isn't. Even if it's brief, it's an important conversation to have. Once, after a one-off drunken encounter, I was worried because the vibes were a bit strange. So I asked the person, “Did you want to?” I was relieved when they replied, “Yes!” I think a lot about that conversation. I don’t drink anymore. For me, life is confusing already and I want all the clarity I can get.

RB said this “a litany of astonishing, rather baroque attacks”. The fact that he said he finds it surprising shows that he's not been listening and/or is unable to listen when people have raised matters of consent with him. Whatever the issue is, if I was someone who found that more than one person was accusing me of the same thing () it would make sense to reflect deeply on my behaviour.

On this note, perhaps strangely, one of the things that I felt the most disturbed about was that there was a man present at one of the incident who did nothing. I really judged him.He is quoted as saying, "We were all terrified of him." This statement speaks volumes by which I mean it sounds like a lot of people were scared of RB and if that's the case what kind of person is everyone scared of? Someone who is out of control and can't react to any criticism. It indicates very clearly that RB has an immunity to understanding or practising consent in general.

I'm now going to share a few brief thoughts on consenting behaviour.

Consent should happen during sex but not only that, before and after it. Even if an interaction is a one-off (and perhaps especially so?) making sure that anyone interacting with you is keen and enthusiastic is important because you do not know that person well enough to tell if they are ok or not, especially if alcohol etc is involved. It may not be possible but trying to check in afterwards, maybe you might see them afterwards, just ask if they are ok, be friendly. Listen. There is a chance they might not have enjoyed it for any number of reasons or regretted it, but there is always a chance that they felt pushed into it. If you are able to listen to what they have to say, and apologise, it might help. It might not help them, but it might help you to be more aware for the future. Whether you are someone who isn't able to read signals or someone who has experienced sexual violence, or possibly both, a therapist or sex therapist could help. Denying that there is a problem will not make it go away and a lot of people could be hurt.

You might have heard this, no means no, but only an enthusiastic yes means yes. If one person is more enthusiastic than the other, well then, there is a problem.

I feel despair and immense rage that this has been common for so long. It does seem to be mostly cishet men due to cultures of ignorance, lack of awareness and/or toxic intentions. But it doesn't matter what your gender is, or your age, we all need to learn about consent and respect other people's bodies and feelings.

British society continues to be very hypocritical about sex. On one hand it's used to sell products and is emblazoned on TV screens, but on the other, sexuality and consent are still taboo topics. Whatever gender you are, it's natural for people to not feel in the mood for sex at times and also some people are asexual.

As someone said to me, sexual violence isn't about lust. It's about establishing power. Someone who feels happy and good about themselves, won't feel the need to control others.

This is just my opinion. Like a lot of people I find the news upsetting and it can make me feel helpless and inarticulate, but at the same time, I try to find a chance to self-reflect, grow as a person and connect with people. I hope that at least one person will find this article helpful and/or enlightening.

Once again, if you are affected by the issues I've spoken about, however you're affected by them, please seek support.

If you’re triggered by this and need help, if you're in the UK, there are helplines such as Mind and The Samaritans, International Sexual violence helplines and/or maybe reach out to a friend, group and/ or calming activity that can help ground you.

For men who want help or to find out more about non-consensual behaviour there are self-help resources such as: Respect and The Change Project and even if they don’t apply to you, you might know someone who might be affected. It’s not about being an essentially good or bad person, it’s about behaviour and attitude. If you have hurt someone, don’t expect them to want to listen to you, or interact with you, but going forwards, you can change your behaviour and attitude. Change and growth is possible.

Butterfly photo credit: Nick Fewings

 
mental health, intersectional feminism, trauma, writingThe Mollusc Dimensionsexual violence, russell brand, consent, sex