#TransformationTuesday - BESEA trans-masc notes on gender expression & transitioning

“2011”. Drawing of Squid as musketeer from ESEA femme times, long hair, hat with tall feather. On the right: “2021”. Test selfie in gold suit, hat and long "boot covers" and gold shoes.

“2011”. Drawing of Squid as musketeer from ESEA femme times, long hair, hat with tall feather. Slim-bodied. White shirt, diamond grid waistcoat, black leggings, long black boots. Standing looking towards the right. On the right: “2021”. Test selfie of The Mollusc Dimension, a slim East Asian in hat, gold suit & frilly white shirt, pouting, looking down, hands in pockets. Standing. Black long fake boots & gold toe caps.

I’m a BESEA (British East/Southeast Asian) queer, trans-masc, non-binary POC.


Took me a while to figure out how to do #TransformationTuesday in a way that felt ok… I took delight in ripping up old photos. But I do still have quite a few sketchbooks which contain self-portraits, comics and thoughts.

So a few days ago, I had the idea of putting a drawing side by side with a photo.

Not bad eh.. I even got taller! And my current hat actually has a feather too! 

3.5 min read:

Content notes: Mentions of sexual harassment & trauma / gender journey 


Yesterday, I was imagining what my life might be like if I hadn’t transitioned. 

  

What would it be like to be an ESEA non binary femme with access to decolonising queer & non binary friends & intersectional feminist resources?


What would it be like to grow up free(r) of cishet norms from British colonised parents & Catholic / sex education under section 28?


As a former hard femme, I feel curious about that. 


But you know what..? I was not always femme. 


Aged around 9, a game I played a game with my friend. I was a male detective & she was a glamorous female detective. I had a moustache & a trench coat. 


Aged around 13, I believe I may have been the only girl who had short hair in my class - with an actual (short) rat tail! 


Aged around 19, I cut my own hair (badly) with scissors. Didn’t have access to a barber. Then I grew it about 2 inches and spiked it up with Dax wax. 


The difference between these two looks is that my parents “adored” me as a femme (pic on the left), and were outwardly disapproving / rejecting of my masc presentation (pic on right). It was and still is painful but somewhat easier understanding that Catholic cishet norms are a burden of British colonisation. 


I question what it would be like to be a butch who hadn’t transitioned. By the way, I didn’t identify as butch, I was read as more “androgynous”. Around 2003, I felt the stigma of both those words and didn’t want to be associated with them. But even now, when I see others celebrate reclaiming/claiming these identities, I prefer “non-binary”.

Also I had access to certain visibility/ies around “white butch-ness” or “Black butch-ness”. This was much less so for Asian or ESEA butch-ness. 

That said, there’s a whole thing about how weird I found the queer world in HK when I visited. I encountered a tendency for people to want to immediately label me via body parts and sexual role - which arguably was/is a legacy from a British colonised mindset??

There’s plenty to explore here.  

Neither am I never femme anymore!


Two things I don’t miss are… sexual harassment and misgendering. And I send solidarity to people who battle it and cishet, fat-phobic, white supremacist, classism on a daily basis. 


The privilege of being freed from sexual harassment and misgendering has allowed me to work more. But also start to uncover and unpack many difficult experiences and explore unmasking as neurodivergent. I’m finally starting my recovery journey. Possibly because I have finally found a queer BIPOC therapist. (Links to find QTIBIPOC / queer therapists are below)

One day I would like to live somewhere with more queer people. I’d like to leave the house with eyeliner & not be death-stared by an elderly white woman wearing 5 poppies….

Big love to ESEA femmes - of all genders & sexualities & none.


Thank you for taking an interest in my stories and for all your support. I hope this might inspire you to write and draw some of your own stories if you feel called!

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